I now hold the record for the longest consecutive streak of
bad haircuts since the invention of the sheep shears in
1,000 BC. Since the age of 3, I have experienced 378 bad
haircuts in a row, and have the 379th scheduled for next
week, God willing.
I blame no one but myself. I am cursed with wavy hair and
cowlicks -a combination so volatile and unpredictable, I
actually carry a doctor's prescription for a hat.
If I wore a crew cut, this article wouldn't be necessary.
It's not a look that works for me. I tried one when I was
23. Fifteen minutes after I walked out of the barbershop, I
was standing in a police lineup accused of robbing a string
of gas stations in Oklahoma.
I have to keep my hair a little longer to avoid the career
criminal look but short enough so people don't assume I work
clown parties on the weekends.
I'm a barber's worst nightmare because I'm not a crew cut
guy. They enjoy giving crew cuts because all they need is a
pair of clippers and a little conversation. There's no
finesse in crew cuts, no danger. Whenever I sink into the
chair, they automatically reach for the clippers and when I
tell them I just want a trim, they start looking at my head
like it's the Manhattan Project. It's not uncommon to have
three barbers looking at my head at the same time, like
baseball managers standing around the pitcher's mound
deciding whether to try a little pep talk or send for the
reliever. I've had barbers spontaneously retire while I sat
in their chairs. One even tried to convince me that I'd be
better off cutting it myself.
My quest for a decent haircut has taken me around the
country. I've tried barbers and hairdressers in hotels,
airports, in vacation cities - even at a barber college
where the cuts are free because the kids are in training. I
figured a barber college would be an excellent place to get
a good, well-executed haircut because the kids would be so
excited about entering a new profession.
I scheduled an appointment at a local college and the dean
assigned me to a young woman named Ingrid who was actually
the class valedictorian. She truly was an artist. Half way
through my haircut, which was looking spectacular, she
received a letter from the board of regents notifying her
that her graduate thesis on the benefits of washing a
customer's hair after a haircut to remove the excess
clippings would not be published. She ran out of the salon
in tears followed by her concerned classmates and I found
myself walking home with half the best haircut I ever had in
my life. Believe me, I was tempted to keep it that way.
I've done some duplicitous things in search of a decent
haircut. Even lying. Whenever I sit down in the chair of a
new barber or hairdresser, the first thing out of my mouth
is, "I'm getting married this Saturday, and I really need
this haircut to look good." Once I made the mistake of using
the same marriage line on a barber I had been to before. He
looked at me coldly and said, "I thought you told me you
were getting married last year."
"I did," I said. "But when my fiancé took one look at the
haircut you gave me a year ago, she called the whole thing
off."
With all the technology that is available, I don't know why
I can't get a decent haircut. It seems like those Lasix
machines they use to correct vision would work if they made
a couple of adjustments. You probably wouldn't have to do
much more than mount one inside a helmet type device. I
don't know that I'd trust a barber to use one of those but
if you were a licensed eye doctor looking for a competitive
edge you could offer corrective eye surgery and a haircut
for one, all inclusive price.
In my experience, getting a good haircut isn't a matter of
price either. I've paid as little as $8 and as much as $75
for bad haircuts, and the only difference between the
inexpensive salons and the expensive ones is that sometimes
you can get a glass of organic juice.
The average scalp has 100,000 hairs. Approximately 50,000 of
mine grow in different directions. Maybe what I need is a
comb made from the bone of an old sheepdog.
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a
manufacturer of all occasion humorous greeting cards. He can
be reached at [email protected]
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